Light Bulb

Willamette Concert Opera

And the band played terribly


How a light bulb gets changed in an opera company:

SOPRANO

I do NOT change light bulbs; nowhere in my contract does it SAY I change light bulbs. ...I didn't break it during the fioratura aria, did I...?

MEZZO-SOPRANO

Eh, sure. Why not. I'm already wearing pants and halfwayup a ladder anyway.

Variant: How many mezzo-sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to complain that it is "too high." (Jonathan Pell)

CONTRALTO

Oh, for heaven's sake, what's all the fuss? Give it to me,I'll do it.

COUNTERTENOR

What kind of question is that? Of course I know how tochange a light bulb. What, you think that just because I can sing two octaves higher than most men that I don't know how to do what most men can? Is that it?

TENOR

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. He holds on to the bulb and expects the world to revolve around him.

BARITONE

Of course I can. Easily. With one hand tied behind my back. While juggling three other light bulbs in my tied hand.

BASS

Oh, why not, I've got an hour and a half until my first entrance, anyway.

SUPER

Eh... I can't. I'm sorry. I'm already carrying four props, two set pieces, a chair, a cloak, and a censer. I MIGHT be able to get it with my teeth...

STAGE DIRECTOR

I block them in the light. If they can't find their light, they shouldn't be in the business.

LIGHT TECHNICIAN

Don't touch my lights! I'll do it!

SET DESIGNER

No way, man. The Light Tech would KILL me.

CHORUS DIRECTOR

Just tell us where this light is going to shine and we'll be sure to stay OUT of it.

ASSISTANT STAGE MANAGER

I need to know how this change will affect each and every cast member in all scenes and transitions, and write it down in my score, in pencil. Do you have any more post-it tabs?

PROP MANAGER

I don't care. Don't touch my table.

TECHNICAL DIRECTOR

OK, you guys go get the light bulb and bring it up here. Now you two go get the ladder. Good. Now. Put the ladder here. No, HERE! Now, can you climb ladders? No? OK, who here can climb a ladder? Great. Got your harness, got your gloves, great. Now, take this and climb up here. Like this. NO! LIKE THIS! Here, give me that. Now watch me...climb like this...reach up here like this...unscrew this...screw in this...got it? Great. Next time you can do it.

GENERAL MANAGER

Fine, I'll do it. Let's keep this quiet, though. You didn't tell the Tenor about this, did you?


COMMUNICATIONS & MARKETING

The Creative Staff of our Publications Division is going to press with the light bulb piece at 4PM on 2/15/08. WARNING: Any changes submitted past this hard deadline will not be considered.

DEVELOPMENT

Can we wait for a while on the light bulb change? If we're able to demonstrate that it is critical to our operations, we might be able to raise money to change it.

MANAGEMENT

The Executive committee of the Board of Directors,working closely with Management, will form a committee to discuss the size,wattage, cost, and other specs and effects of the light bulb. A taskforce will be designated to inquire on possible branding initiatives, marketing tie-ins with light bulb companies, etc. The committee is to meet regularly and frequently, and is of course expected not to discuss its deliberations outside of committee meetings. PowerPoint should be very useful in conveying the information gathered and hopefully will be augmented with Excel charts. The committee may deem it necessaryto bring in outside third party consultants to provide benchmarks and a time line for deliverables. Feasibility studies will be required as well as on-site visits to other non-profits that have successfullychanged a light bulb. The cost of consultant(s) and feasibility studies will be underwritten by a special campaign that will target this need. We expect to have a strategic plan in place which addresses a master plan as to how to change this light bulb in about six months, at which point a town hall-style forum will be held with donors and subscribers to bring in further opinions revolving around the "Plan for a Brighter Future" light bulb Project. A press release is forthcoming. (by Matt Gurry with edits and additional contributions from Robin Thompson)

Anna Netrebko is interviewed in this month's Playboy. No pictures. I can go back to buying it for the articles.

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